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Thursday, February 24, 2005do you? will i?"every life has one true-love snapshot" ~ Mitch Albom in The Five People You Meet in Heaven wat's the focus here? "every life has one true-love snapshot" "every life has one true-love snapshot" "every life has one true-love snapshot" not everyone fall in love. those who did may probably have more than one snapshot of memories. how do you know whether are you just in love or you are truely in love? the difference between the great and the divine? well my scepticism is the cause for this. this entity called love. yeah i sometimes look at couples around. some, you can tell how in love they are with each other from their body language. they actually have experts in this area even. some they seems to be in love. perhaps a handful truely are. but how many stay in a relationship for many other reasons than being with the one i truely love and want to live with for the rest of their life? some marry someone they can live with, not someone they want to live with. they just want to contribute something when their friends are sharing juicy bits. they just don't want to be alone finding things to do on a sat. they just want to stop dreading the perennial question "U attached?" they just want someone to think that they are important. they just want someone to start a family with. the whole purpose. they just don't want to grow old alone. my scepticism is not stemming from the fear that i will not find true love. but the fear that i will pretend that i found true love. thus, the statement i conclude is evidently not valid. amaranthine froze in time on 2:06 AM
Monday, February 21, 2005A minor crisis leading to major reflectionsok i'm exaggerating as usual. but when a hungry person with a throbbing headache in need of some complex carbohydrates realised that that tantalizing jar of prego tomota pasta sauce just wouldnt open, that's a crisis. looking at my plate of cooked pasta, i rationalised that they will hav to go down naked. nothing to dress them with. and i have to eat them. apparently they can help with my headache. but some immediate benefits from the little crisis is that after some wrestling and twisting attempts with the jar cap, i managed to squeeze in some exercise, getting my blood flowing and lightened the pain in my head. exasperated, i gave it one last try, with the thought of eating plain spaghetti firmly in mind. the power of thoughts. i've eaten my plate of pasta in tomato sauce and my headache is fading slightly. i'm very contented now. see, i'm not the hmg i thought i am. retail therapy isnt the only delight. i find therapy in everything. eating a fulfilling meal. fulfilling my crave for a certain obsure food. walking for miles with music in my ears. looking at the slow descent of the sun. basking in the full moonlight. standing under the warm shower. sitting on the bus watching the cars go by. walking by shelves of books. smelling fresh new books. swimming in sparkling water. cuddling under my blankets. reading a good book. endless. buying the perfect dress is just overstated. i can get the same gratification from splurging on a deliciously sexy top as from having my skin awaken by the cool crisp early morn air. i disgressed. but it serves as a little pinch to me, reminding myself to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. as i grow older, a word that already causes signs of distress and denial among my peers, it is harder to be happy as a kid. we have so much expectations, from ourselves and the society. there is always a better state to be. like yeah this is great but i'll be happier if i had that. i'm certainly guilty of that. but my growing weariness of the insatiable desires i have engendered a renewed appreciation of little details in life. i'm not hard to please. contrary to wat others think, simply said, i certainly dun give people the impression that i live ... simply. but i'm hard to please in a sense that i'm a perfectionist. i stil expect perfection in simplicity. like the temperature of water during my shower has to be just right. the sheets on my bed has to feel and smell just right. the early morn air has to hav that exact crisp quality. anything less wldnt do. but of coz being the realist, i know that perfections are nice surprises not a given in life. i know life isnt perfect in every sense. amaranthine froze in time on 1:15 PM
Sunday, February 20, 2005Enjoy the moment ...Confinement at home doesnt seems so bad when you realise that i'm not going to have any more leave coming soon, that i can wake up to the late morn sun, munch my brunch, flip the papers, watch cute rocco cooking italian, surf for some cool stuff with my headphones plugged into some cool music, sleep with the afternoon breeze blowing, breathe in the much missed late night cool air ... ah this is pure understated bliss. It certainly helps that my case of chickenpox doesnt involve ugly itchy spots. it doesnt involved any state of unwell. the closest? my headache, stemming from the one big spot on my head. in fact less than a week, the spots are drying up. i'm still left wondering, that's it? The very fact that i don't have anything to do frees me up to think about times other than the present. the nostalgia about the past. how i spent my free time drawing models in the fashion mags. how they started big-headed. literally. coz i needed a big canvas to draw their features. so they're pretty much... pretty big heads with tiny body. then they evolved to more proportionate beings but of coz the model proportions: ultra long legs. shapely too. i have a thing with legs. perfect limbs. ah they're almost perfect. the face. the body. but they're all juz catwalk models. always standing or strutting. i experimented with different positions. relaxed, action, come-hilter. finally some life into them. but when i thought i've reach the mastery of these perfect beings, i stopped drawing when i entered university. i didnt bring my sketch books. easy excuse. i juz didnt thought of it. i had time. plenty. but i didnt. i took up fashion design and draw the technically right ones. my teacher loves them. but to me, filling them with colour oencils made it seem so childish. perhaps that's the catalyst for the dearth of my fav past-time of drawing. Then there's my old good diary. it started from an unsuspecting little notebook. it started out with frustration. so i juz wrote on anything i can find. the gratification of being able to express my feelings got me started on an actual diary i won in a contest when young. perfect. in those days i captured mostly and ventings and rantings. but there are some doses of happy writings in there too. it's easy to spot which are which. the ones neatly written slowly are the latter. those big angry messy words are obviously the former. then there's the suspense when writing my entries. hiding it under messy stacks of notes... watching the door from the corner of my eyes, sometimes hard when my eyes get tears of anger mounting while i wrote furiously. then hiding it from my family. sometimes words of warning is injected into my writing to remind the intruder that it's private property. i used to have a drawer with a lock. but when i forgot the key and they have to remove it, my diary moved to one of the safest place: among my mess. my most private and precious possession among the mess of papers and rubbish. now it's safe somewhere on the net. Past the nostalgia, there's the excitement of the future. The time spent surfing the net got me thinking about my future. the goals i set for myself. the life that i want. it made me feel empowered. i used to feel hopeless in face of life. that i cant control what goes into my life. i put a lot of faith in fate. i believe things happen for a reason. yeah i stil do. but it doesnt mean i sit there waiting and watching my life go past. i make the choice of how i want it to be. i can guide my life to the direction i want it to be. may not be the exact scenerio i want but i know i'm heading in that direction. the life i want. contentment. freedom. balance. i learnt the power of intention. if i want my life to be good, it will be. maybe not to the exact details to my utopian ideal, but anywhere close will be great. it does feel energising to see your goals. i have never believed in setting goals. esp those when i mark the number of topics i have to cover by which date. i usually never gotten to make a tick in any of those. i don't have any affinity with numbers. Even if it's just remembering. so when pple ask me for my result i truely can't rem, all i can remember is whether it's one or two digits. So it's not some low tactics i use to fend questions to test my ground, though i know it's common. I'm just not interested to know what happen after. i'm just glad to hand in something for the teacher to mark. So for a change now, in face of adulthood, goals doesnt just comes in numbers or alphabets. it's a vision. now that i'm good at. i'm good at visualising, dreaming, thinking. it takes no effort from me to conjure a perfect life from thin air. i'm a visual person. so goals with picturesque images will stand a higher chance this time. yeah this is a moment for myself. to think and reflect. what a person i have been. who i am now. what kind of better person i will be. it's a time for questions and answers. analysis and projection. yeah this is a time to enjoy while it last. amaranthine froze in time on 11:29 PM
Thursday, February 17, 2005An unwilling respite at homeyeah wat a great way to life my already low spirits. yeah sure i can rejoice at the now aplenty free time at hand. but not when i am all geared up at work and esp not when i hav to crack my brain at what to do in the day. my trouble is i always have time to sit down and think about my life. i'm not the typical city person who need to find some time and space for themselves. my problem is i think too much. i'm not a workaholic, i'm a thinkaholic. useful or the utterly meaningless. thoughts whirl in my mind 24/7. negative thoughts mostly. despite my efforts at injecting some positive thoughts, they usually get lost among the negatives. apparently it's the case of the majority. it's also a case of timing. this is certainly not one of the period in life i look back with delight. but then again. it's up to me. amaranthine froze in time on 1:00 AM
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it does not take much effort to see past the mundane and notice the little details in life
_______________ Bits about Me .......... i like to procastinate i am a fashion mag junkie i hate spiders i am drawn to aesthetics i have a toenail the size of a dot i am an owl i like bananas i hate favouritism i don't sing i can't do a split i bungee jumped i am drawn to colours i eat real slow but drink real fast i like tans; on me and on guys i wish i can really cook i have spatial intelligence i don't like attention i am a perfume polygamist i like to read and smell books i am a pessimistist i squander; money n time i can't count i am a serial worrier i am an old soul i like surprises make my day and drop me a line at adropinasea@gmail.com _______________ Wishlist: .......... 1. new job 2. michael kors chronograph watch 3. good spirits 4. spa pampering at aman resorts 5. time to read 6. good laugh 7. a canine companion 8. a black chandelier 9. 10.kisses and hugs _______________ Quote to ponder .......... every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around _______________ ARCHIVES
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