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Tuesday, May 10, 2005bleak. whirling. lost.i felt like a log. a dead rotting log. meant to be in dumps. meant to be junk. my brain unable to work. refuse to work. my body refusing to work. i felt like i'm in a burning sumatra forest, i have to grasp for my breath. i felt like i've eaten a whole cow, i'm so bloated now. and crap. i cant work out some nice words to write either. total crap. yes tml. i dun even want to think. i dun want to plan. wat do i want to do right now? i dun even want to think about that. it sucks. everything. when will this be over? amaranthine froze in time on 10:44 PM
Sunday, May 08, 2005mum, shhh.... u're the greatesttoday is likely an ordinary sunday. rainy. cool. lazy. as usual i'm slacking my day away. but something's different. today's mother's day. but my mum's out. and i didnt prepare anything for her. to think that i never fail to make a mother's day gift for my mum. always hand-made. a photo-frame, a mug, a card... and i always thoroughly enjoyed it. but the older i get the more uninspired i get. in fact i was bereft of creative ideas since last year. i cant remember what i did for my mother on mother's day. is this how it will be like? while i cant say that my mum is my best friend and confidante, she touches me in many other ways. the sacrifices she made. the acts of concern. she isnt a good cook, but i will always look forward to sundays where we can have home-cooked meals, abeit it be always dishes of steamed fish, stir-fryed vegetables, prawns and soup. and not to miss out the tea break dessert. she is the one who made possible my dreams. my backpacking to europe and even my new-found appearance. and most of the times i feel extremely guilty for not showing my appreciation and love to her more openly. we certainly don't share close talks with each other like before. will we be more distant? when i go on to live my independent life, moving on with life. will my parents be left out of my life? is my indifference at mother's day be reflective of how i feel towards my parents? mother's day. i caught this snippet on tv saying that mother is the most beautiful english word to the non-english speaking people. father is not even in the top 16 words. pretty unfair huh. considering it takes mum and dad to have the kid. and objectively speaking, the word technically isn't a beautiful word without knowing the meaning behind the word. it has become so commercialised. i never need to worry about knowing when exactly is mother's day, weeks before its arrival i will definitely be besieged with advertisements with mother's day messages. basically messages that tell you to buy this and that for your beloved mum. like your love for your mum is only justified through how you treat her on mother's day. well love is intangible. amaranthine froze in time on 2:12 PM
Saturday, May 07, 2005life. none the same. none the best.they say reading fashion magazines can be detrimental to your body esteem. looking at the perfect bodies and faces in the glossy pages, i cant help but to pinch at my middle or scrutinise the scars on my face. they make me feel less. period. models aren't mortals. they're digitalised perfections. gods are the pple behind the lens and computer. or i chose to believe it. but reading blogs, my new-found elixir of the moment is another thing. i'm reading the life of real pple. living here and all over the world. they amaze me with their command of language. which is probably why i find it harder to write now. i'm feeling the hit of inferiority. writing has been something i'm proud of since my uni days. writing essays incessantly. which i enjoyed. but now all i write are polite emails. and reading about the life of other bloggers really magnified the nullity of my life. boring! writing this clearly is evidence that there's nothing interesting in my life nor do i have interesting thing to say about life and issues that i have to write an entry on how i make myself more miserable by reading blogs and fashion mags. pathetic i'll say. but it's just me. some of the more interesting blogs i have read are essentially about normal nits and grits of life. the train ride. the tv show. i do realise i'm not inspired lately. my life is just duh..... now taking my break at home. again. thus this crappy entry. this time with a swollen side and a bloody mouth. i amaze myself sometimes at being so brave at taking multiple injections yet failing to have the courage to speak my mind. well that's me. shy but gung-ho. i can take on fear factor anytime and eat anything. but i will definitely be eaten alive in apprentice. but in life, the ability to try the weirdest doesnt count for much then the ability to stand up for yourself. i always wonder. will i have a life pple envy? i always doubt that. not that i wil have a loser life. i will have a life that i want. I don't need someone else approval or envy to justify it. it's my life. amaranthine froze in time on 12:17 AM
Sunday, May 01, 2005happiness is in youwhat many people are pursuing are illusions of happiness. money, power, status. it's not something to be pursued, but something to be released. it's about removing the obstacles in life that is blocking me from letting the innate ability to feel happy. sometimes i think too much about what i don't have or can't have that i fail to appreciate the things in my life. fact is happiness is never out of our reach. i choose to be happy or unhappy. why else do you explain the brightest smile from a child suffering from cancer. the meanest snare from the high-flying executive. there is just no universal line to draw as to who should be happy and who should not be. it's even ground. you can have a great job that gives you all the luxuries you yearn for but you are unhappy. coz you want to have a great family who can give you all the love you yearn for. yet the one who has a lovely family is not necessary happy. coz to him/her it's a high-flying career that means more. so what is it that makes me tick? finding someone special to share my life. finding myself waking up everyday energised about life, about work. finding a direction. a goal in life. i'm still working out to unleash happiness in my life. there are times when i feel like i can conquer anything. (seldom actually) there are times when i feel like i'm the worst piece of ****. (often lately) clearly i need a lot of work. damn. but the fact that i'm working on it. yeah that's some reason to be happy. amaranthine froze in time on 9:20 PM
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it does not take much effort to see past the mundane and notice the little details in life
_______________ Bits about Me .......... i like to procastinate i am a fashion mag junkie i hate spiders i am drawn to aesthetics i have a toenail the size of a dot i am an owl i like bananas i hate favouritism i don't sing i can't do a split i bungee jumped i am drawn to colours i eat real slow but drink real fast i like tans; on me and on guys i wish i can really cook i have spatial intelligence i don't like attention i am a perfume polygamist i like to read and smell books i am a pessimistist i squander; money n time i can't count i am a serial worrier i am an old soul i like surprises make my day and drop me a line at adropinasea@gmail.com _______________ Wishlist: .......... 1. new job 2. michael kors chronograph watch 3. good spirits 4. spa pampering at aman resorts 5. time to read 6. good laugh 7. a canine companion 8. a black chandelier 9. 10.kisses and hugs _______________ Quote to ponder .......... every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around _______________ ARCHIVES
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