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Wednesday, December 28, 2005reflections and resolutionsyes 2005 has been an eventful and emotionally exhausting year. changes abound. i've seen my spirits pummeted to a new low. i've gained a lot too. most importantly, i've learned. i learnt how ... to love someone and not show it to show that i love someone i learnt that i... can put others before me can be selfish at the same time can be such a pushover can be a formidable force if i choose to can be a perfectionist can be a total mess and in 2006, it will be a brand new year for me. changes again. changes i invite. resolution : Get control of my life. Focused and balanced. Simple. clear up the mess in my room i've said that more than a dozen times. but this time i must resolve to give my room a makeover. new cupboard. fresh wallpaper over my cupboard. new curtains. new light. new coat of paint. new air. new occupant. manage my time i must devote at least 2 days to exercise in the morning. join some gym. then find a passion to do over the weekends. first up shall be sailing and windsurf. and spend time reading. and quality time with my family. and of coz if i still have that someone, spend just the right amount of time with him. manage my finances yes money money money. first, i need to earn more money. in order to save more. partly to spend on something i really wanted and for the future... aims. yes the key aim is to save for the future. things that i want to do. life i want. if i want a good life, i have to earn it myself. be more assertive and confident i'm sick of having to kick myself every time i missed that opportunity to stand up for myself or the chance to share my opinions. i am determined not to be a pushover. yes i'm still nice, i can't make myself view people in bad light. that's me. i always like to believe that people meant no harm that they are kind in nature. but i have to know how to stand on my own. i've been struggling with this for all my life, but i'm not going to live with this for the rest of my life. keep things simple and be optimistic no point killing myself over complications i draw in my mind. learn how to simplify my life. worry less. enjoy more. just remember, each day is a brand new day. ok enough of big cliched resolutions.... little steps i aim to take in 2006: 1. love my soon-to-be new room 2. take up a language or sport (italian/sailing) 3. do at least 5 personal jewellery creations 4. volunteer in at least one charity event 5. write a public blog 6. know my spirital calling 7. get a new laptop 8. make new keepable friends 9. learn to cook an awesome meal 10. look younger and happier yes, 2006 will be better. amaranthine froze in time on 9:51 AM buried torture i know i will not be getting more cds from you i know i will not see you coming to talk to me i know i will not have you cheering me up i know i will not know what you are doing mostly coz i rather not know perhaps now i understand why it's better to get out of your life then to know that i'm not the one giving you happiness nobody knows how my misery is amplified by the laughters i hear nobody knows how much you mean to me nobody knows how much i want to convince myself that you don't nobody knows how much i am living a life of pure illusion nobody knows how much i want to live a life i am proud of but i will be strong bury the past move on to the future things will be good this is a promise i make to myself amaranthine froze in time on 9:26 AM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005missed but blessedi know i will have to live with my choice. this is one big regret i will have perhaps. when i will look back while leading an empty life of pursuing all the illusions of happiness, and think that i could have been really happy. perhaps. but i know deep down that this is just not meant to be. close but not there yet. a thin line separates our fate. but the point is we're still separated. i chose the path to leave you further. i chose not to listen to my heart. but well no point dwelling over the past. i have a bright future ahead. if i choose to. and yes i will. so yeah move on and look ahead. i'll drop all my baggage along the way. i will. but still not forgotten. the lesson in life. amaranthine froze in time on 10:26 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005wrong at the right is still rightwhy does happiness feel so wrong? why does the wrong feel so right? the only thing i can hold on to is my faith in my instincts to tell me to the right things at the right time i know what is right just not the right time amaranthine froze in time on 12:25 AM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005it takes an end to starti did what i planned unplanned i did what i should but not i want i know i need to do it coz i am not happy but i do not want that to happen to you but i figured it works either way it's you or me when i'm with you i think of your flaws when i'm not i think of your good that's me. a loss is more sharply felt than a gain yes, it's me not you coz i do not want to tell you how i pick out your flaws i do not want to inflict more hurt than i did it hurt more than i thought it would if you hate me i cant blame you if you disappear from my life i cant control that but why i never want to understand that a part of your life can be forever lost lost not dead i hate to not know i rather know the harsh truths than not knowing how are you getting along are you happy are you lonely are you thinking of me are you hating me are you or am i just forgotten it's just me looking at the settled dust an end the one i not quite willingly initiated i thought is this really the time? but what is? so what's next? a start. not of another but of possibilities a start of everything better or worse it's still a start but a start i hope is worth the end amaranthine froze in time on 1:44 AM
Saturday, December 03, 2005tripping over my souli'm back. from more than a holiday trip. many times i felt like i'm at the bottom of the world even where i'm there overlooking the slopes. i'm there feeling so lonely even when i'm surrounded by my family and relatives. i'm there feeling so free and happy even when i'm there walking alone on a foreign land. and i'm there missing the wrong person. back home, i'm still having the after-effects of the trip. this time not the usual post-holiday syndrome i have. it's the bitter after-taste mixed with the relief of being back with people whom i can be comfortable with. nothing hurts as much as the distance from my family. the feeling that they arent on my side. and when i think of who i can count on back home other than my family, i think of no one. the person who should be the one there for me isnt. and the person i think might be there for me isnt mine to start with. yes no one. that's a moment that's unmatched. no amount of money nor power can alleviate that. i lack love. from me and towards me. right now, i stand alone in my fight against the world. but from this moment on, i want to help others fight against the world. i want to revive the moments when i felt whole. when i cared not for myself but others. amaranthine froze in time on 11:58 AM
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it does not take much effort to see past the mundane and notice the little details in life
_______________ Bits about Me .......... i like to procastinate i am a fashion mag junkie i hate spiders i am drawn to aesthetics i have a toenail the size of a dot i am an owl i like bananas i hate favouritism i don't sing i can't do a split i bungee jumped i am drawn to colours i eat real slow but drink real fast i like tans; on me and on guys i wish i can really cook i have spatial intelligence i don't like attention i am a perfume polygamist i like to read and smell books i am a pessimistist i squander; money n time i can't count i am a serial worrier i am an old soul i like surprises make my day and drop me a line at adropinasea@gmail.com _______________ Wishlist: .......... 1. new job 2. michael kors chronograph watch 3. good spirits 4. spa pampering at aman resorts 5. time to read 6. good laugh 7. a canine companion 8. a black chandelier 9. 10.kisses and hugs _______________ Quote to ponder .......... every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around _______________ ARCHIVES
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