:Random Parcels of Pseudo Truths:

Thursday, November 19, 2009 the E in my life i will always remember that first moment, when i first held him and looked at him in the eyes. he peeping through his one open eye, the first look at the world, the first look at me. after spending the last 9 months together, growing from that one sac to a 3.8kg being. hearing my voice as i read nursery rhymes, hearing the classic music that i played, feeling the lightness around when i swam, doing things expounded in books. but i am sure you too, hear the sobs in the night, felt my heartbreak, sensed my sadness. but only for a sweeping moment. for mummy wowed to be strong, as like your name, Ethan. that I can have the strength and courage, to bring you into this world alone. and my decision paid off handsomely, for i am awarded with the gift of life. how each day there are new discoveries awaiting. amaranthine froze in time on 3:28 PM Thursday, March 13, 2008 taking the off the beaten path it's gone long gone the love i thought i found the love i gave with faith the love that turned out to be as transient as the wind it's found and lost but all is not lost rather, i gain probably more than what i deserve for it is a life growing in me now you find something precious among the broken pieces that the aftermath of the ruins is the polar opposite that it is destined to be the guiding light the rainbow after the rain it's a rare gift life works this way you get thrown off your path but life is not going to leave you eating your own dust you pick yourself up and see something that you have not and will not if you didn't ended up where you were like it or not that there's something out on the horizon you don't know what to expect it's blurry and different you have never seen it or even imagined it but it is beckoning you that's your direction you move forward not looking back leaving the beaten path that you thought you will take that you thought that it is going to bring you to your destination but there is no best destination you make your best journey you have no idea what lies ahead for it is not the path that you have seen others took dangers may lurk but so will beauty be hidden you won't know until you take the first step and with that first step you start your journey the journey that you are meant to take everyone has different paths some harder some easier but at every juncture every moment you still have a choice for you can choose to turn back to trace and seek what you thought that you have lost or you can head forward to explore what else is out there you never know what you will find but you will always know that you made the choice to find out i don't want to look far for i will see the distance for i will see the blurry destination for i will wonder is it really there for i will wonder is it really worth it for i will wonder if this is the path i should take i just want to enjoy what i have around me while i walk this path to where to what i don't know but i just need to know that everything i see on the path are guiding me to where i should head i don't have to see the destination to have faith in moving on the simple joy you find along the way are there to remind you of your detachment the obstacles you find along the way are there to remind you of your resolve that everything in life has a purpose so i have picked myself up swept the broken pieces left the pile behind left the planned out path and walk the off the beaten path growing with each step me and the one in me amaranthine froze in time on 11:09 PM Sunday, February 03, 2008 "one day" procrastination i always seem to have a dozen things in the backburner which i hope that i will get to "one day" but just wasn't quite ready to when the "one day" comes. like how i said... one day i will tidy up my room one day i will wash that pile of clothes one day i will do another necklace for myself one day i will send those clothes for altering one day i will kickstart my marketing plan one day i will learn how to cook one day i will work on my resume one day i will save enough money one day i will give a fantastic speech one day i will write a novel one day i will own a car one day i will run my own successful business they range from the trivial to life-changing. things that i should have done or aim to do. but it always seems like i do not have time or motivation or confidence to do them. how many of us are stuck with that dilemma. that you want to do something but you are held back by a lot of factors, or rather excuses. and you beat yourself up for letting yourself be the very reason that you can't move forward. i want to break that mystery and be a "today" person. today i shall do this. tick. amaranthine froze in time on 9:16 PM Thursday, January 31, 2008 him is this it? that this is love the elusive state of being? when you think about him you think about the future with him in it you think about what is he thinking you think about whether his future includes you you think about just him it was unintentional a last minute surprise at the end of the year he's different that's what i said to others i wonder if it means that he's more driven he's more mature he's more expressive he's more .... more or it simply means that i am in love with this guy first time in my life yes i loved guys before they loved me but it doesn't justify me being in love i loved them back but i know this love is initiated out of obligation the result of reciprocation i loved them they mean something in my life but something's missing that i have my mind to give out my heart but my heart is not out there with them that's the thing am i putting my heart out this time? full out and proud that i'm subjected myself to the risk of getting hurt? but he did reassure me that he will take good care of me that he will love only me but i too know that talk is cheap i trust him fully but yet i worry still he is a guy who has seen it all all kinds he sampled the whole store of sweets he knows what he likes and what he doesn't and he chose me why? for i'm sure he knows exactly what he wants i am sure he knows what is perfect for him i'm not perfect for sure but he did say that you don't go finding that perfect someone you perfect yourself for that someone so is he trying to adjust his taste? so he can grow to love me? i'm me. i'm like that. can't i just be simple? can't i just be happy? can't i just let him love me? can't i just love him? it should be simple as that. he loves me i loves him we make through life together through thick and thin simply because we want to make it work together simply because this is called love yes the thing called love amaranthine froze in time on 1:16 PM Thursday, January 03, 2008 herald in the happiness it's the time of the year. the start of a bright new year, 2008. which deep down i am confident that this is going to be a great year for me. the past year has been full of ups and downs. but the end is sweet. surprisingly sweet. so here's the look back at the year: i learnt that forbidden act gives you momentary delirium but eats your conscience out earning more doesn't mean you have more money you can convert your nemesis through sincerity you can make things happen by the power of thoughts you have to move on to bigger things and not look back and more importantly i learnt that i can fall in love so this year, i resolve to learn to cook take up golf master roller-blading save $500 a month change a new job by mid-year increase my salary to $4,000 ostake 5 people be faithful love the only one man in my life speak up more improve my communication skills read more smile more help more 2008 will be much more. it'll be great. i know it. amaranthine froze in time on 12:37 PM Sunday, April 01, 2007 what good? you came back into my life again, uninvited. but it's a warm welcome that i'm reminded of the good the bliss but the guilt too that what good does it do when i can't do what i didn't in the past that it's still the same a new life for you so you think it's fitting that i complete that dream i am standing on the edge looking on both sides wavered, afraid, tired for it's a much easier route to have someone doing the work making love work that i am assured of where i stand always the dream but what about my dream should i forget about mine as i be yours it is easier to be your dream then to pursue mine what good will i be happy or will i think that i'm happy amaranthine froze in time on 6:33 PM Friday, March 30, 2007 green tendencies "just like that?" "yeah. just like that." i can't help but feel a little angry. not at a friend who told me she found a job at first attempt while the scene when i tender my resignation letter has been playing in my mind for way too long. but at myself. yes for a moment i was thinking "why?" am i not good enough for the world? but then i told myself. i haven't been trying hard enough. you have only yourself to blame. and it's more than yourself. luck. opportunity. timing. people. everything counts. jealousy is angry, envy is wistful. patience and faith. that's what counts now. amaranthine froze in time on 10:31 AM Thursday, March 08, 2007 happenstance [ an event that might have been arranged although it was really accidental ] is it better to know what's to happen or not to know? i have an obession with filling in my calendar. that i find joy in knowing what i will be doing for the week. getting my book at borders. dinner at my favourite japanese restaurant. chilling out with friends. reading my book. taking a dip in the pool. i like to know. i like to have my life happenings accessible anytime. review the past and plan the future. i'm weird. or am i? but when it comes down to do you want to know when you will get married. which year will be your unlucky year. how many loves you will have in this life. i'll say there's bliss in ignorance. what's the point of living life when you know what will happen in the far future? where's the excitement? anticipation? even disappointment? i'm a dogmatic organiser but i'm an zealous adventurer too. i like to know what i'm doing and i like not knowing what it will entail. that's the beauty of life. i believe in fate. i have a destiny. but i'll rather find it out myself then to be told what it is. i also believe that you make your own destiny. you are born with a destiny. but you can change it. amaranthine froze in time on 11:53 PM Friday, January 26, 2007 hello, stranger it's has a long while. i'm clearing the cobwebs once again. thanks for the push from some of you guys out there. it's nice to hear from strangers from the other end of the world. it's a brand new year, i'm not going to dissimulate my optimism (ever so rare for me) 'coz i believe it will be a great year. all i want for is for life to be simple, for me to be happy. the lack of converse lately has been due to the fact that things are a ok. like a sea of calm, nothing much to ventilate about, just taking in the serenity. but no nothing much has changed in my life, just my attitude in life. that i tell myself that i ask not for a smooth trouble-free easy life, but for the strength and wisdom to deal with whatever challenges and hardship i may have ahead. yap, still writing my life book, but with a fresh new style. write on. amaranthine froze in time on 10:11 AM Tuesday, September 19, 2006 music to your soul sometimes you find the words that you need when you least expected. when you are on the bus listening to the morning radio, thinking about how the day will be. will it be like yesterday? like the day before? like the day when i find myself suffocated by my tendrils of despair? then i hear this... go ahead as you waste your days with thinking when you fall everyone stands another day and you've had your fill of sinking with the life held in your hands are shaking cold these hands are meant to hold speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do and even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through move along move along so a day when you've lost yourself completely could be a night when your life ends such a heart that will lead you to deceiving all the pain held in your hands are shaking cold your hands are mine to hold speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do and even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through move along when everything is wrong, we move along Along, along, along when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do and even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through right back what is wrong we move along ~ Move Along by All-American Rejects it takes a night to make it dawn and it takes a day to make you yawn brother and it takes some old to make you young it takes some cold to know the sun it takes the one to have the other ........ and it takes no time to fall in love but it takes you years to know what love is and it takes some fears to make you trust it takes those tears to make it rust it takes the dust to have it polished ........ it takes some silence to make sound and it takes a loss before you found it and it takes a road to go nowhere it takes a toll to make you care it takes a hole to make a mountain ........ life is wonderful ........ life goes full circle ~ Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz my day is better already. you just got to learn how to move along even when eveything is wrong. it takes some cold to know the sun. life may not and will not be always bright and sunny, but i have to hold on hope that life is going to be wonderful again. advice in life comes from the most unassuming ways. amaranthine froze in time on 10:36 PM Monday, September 11, 2006 Fear not yourself "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" ~ Quoted from Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles This quote I heard in the movie Akeela and the Bee came at a time when I am starting to doubt myself. When my once dogged sanguinity are ossifying into reflexive bitterness, when I find myself frustrated for being stuck in a rut that I have landed myself in. And thoughts are powerful things. I am now witnessing how it is manifesting in my life. I convinced myself that i'm less now. less capable. less confident. less kind. less happy. But I realised nothing much has changed since the time when I think that I can do anything that I put my mind to. All that has changed is my state of mind. By thinking that I can't. I plainly and evitably can't. May I remind myself.... "If you think you are beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If you like to win, but you think you can't, It is almost certain you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost. For out in the world we find, Success begins with a fellow's will - It's all in the state of mind. If you think you are outclassed, you are, You've got to think high to rise, You've got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize. Life's battles don't always go To the stronger or faster man, But soon or late the man who wins Is the man who thinks he can!" ~ Quoted from Think & Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill It is really up to me to tell myself, who am I not to be? amaranthine froze in time on 10:07 AM Thursday, September 07, 2006 25th there is something rudimentarily sweet about taking time off from work to catch a movie together with the one whom you are espoused to for 25 years, never mind that it's the devil wears prada. the vestige of the simple act showing on their faces like the glow of first love. yeah that's my folks. happy 25th wedding anniversary! thanks for showing me that true love does prevail and for making me a part of it. blessed. amaranthine froze in time on 11:34 PM Wednesday, August 02, 2006 life after life now takes a little getting used to for me. same for my family. when they are surprised to see me snuggled up in my bed reading so early these days. when i told them that i'm going to bring them out to check out this fanatastic restaurant. as do for my friends. when they now have no qualms about asking me out on a saturday. when they ask me out for movies. yes they all know that i'm no longer exclusive. life after is all about exploring yourself, not to the extent of narcissism. it's being understanding what it means being me. when i take joy in little things. when i explore routes i don't usually take. when i step out of my comfort zone and do something i don't normally do. meeting people whom i will not have talked to otherwise. but of coz, i too hope for the day when i meet someone who can make me breakfast while i sleep in. when i can put into use the tips from animal training. i don't fall and decide that walking is not for me. i don't just intend to walk this path, but to run and take in the scenery. how life after is, is really up to me. amaranthine froze in time on 10:43 AM Sunday, July 09, 2006 alone now been hoping that i have the courage to do what is needed but when courage is given i need the courage to move away from the carnage only when you are gone i realised how much space you occupy in my life and i know the space i occupy in your life far exceeds this you said you can give me your life you already did when you made your life around me it's a long painful path that has to end with pain it's only to hope that a different path ensues and it will only be better coz i hope to believe that life save the best for last that all these are preparations for the end the pain you endure along the journey so you will know that the end is sweet that it is all worth it that this is your reward for all that you have been through and did i tell you that the reward need not be shared you can be alone and happy or rather i tried to convince you for alone is a scary word now lonely is a worse evil still but really, unhappiness wins the game letting go is not losing it means making space for happiness amaranthine froze in time on 1:04 AM Wednesday, July 05, 2006 you're not alone "when you're alone, you can make any choice you want. but when someone loves you, you lose that right." i used to be this free spirit who fights for independence and freedom. my own, that is. under my my quiet demeanor is a girl who wants to experience the world. i want to explore the abysmal mystery of life. i make my own choices. i want what i want. i still want all that. but when your life involves not just yourself, things change. it shouldn't. but it did for me. when i become the sustenance of happiness for someone else. that's the difference between being loved and being in love. love shouldn't pull you back. neither should love gives you the illusion that things are great just the way it is now. love should give you new reasons to move forth with that extra skip in your step. coz you know someone is there to walk the unexplored with you. coz you know you want to share the experience with your someone. coz you want to be better for your someone. so when you find yourself losing that right, it just means you made the wrong choice. amaranthine froze in time on 10:59 AM Friday, May 26, 2006 flawed perfection as much as i profess myself to be a perfectionist, i never liked perfect endings or perfect characters on screen. i hate predictability. well yeah, majority of viewers absolutely dig happy endings where the main characters finally get together. people find love. start a family. killers are caught or even dead. but i'll like to see a little reality in shows. to show that it's life they're depicting. life is afterall, not perfection. flaws are a constant reminder that perfection is still a constant pursuit. but i like that. without flaws, life will be a bore. coz if things are really perfect, where do you go from there? amaranthine froze in time on 10:44 AM Friday, May 19, 2006 getting away from it a holiday is not a form of escapism. it is a form of restorative check one has to take. everyone will have at least lament "i need a break!" once. i did. i want to have a short getaway where i can find soft sugary sand between my toes, get a whiff of heady sea air, be under the azure sky with a glimmering span of water in front of me. when all you need is a good book, shades, tanning oil and a happy spirit. when you no longer think of making the most of your time, time is no longer ticking. when you can throw away your reservations and do something random. when responsibility, deadlines, budgets, problems are swept underneath. when your mind can be empty, ready to soak in all the experiences. when i am getting the right to just do nothing, so at the end of the day i do not beat myself for wasting the day, rather i'll be bleaming and thinking "life is good" but it is a form of illusion. i'll like to say that i come back refreshed. but after that anticipated initial glow, the dreaded post-holiday syndrome sets in. and i will again by drawn by to the routines of reality. sign. you see you can never escape the fact that you're still holding that job, with its responsibilities, still in that relationship, with its problems. but at least you had the chance to clear your mind and soul, ready to face the realities in life. it's a marathon you have to run, you'll run it better when you know how to pace it. amaranthine froze in time on 6:15 PM Tuesday, May 02, 2006 sometimes a good old cry is needed just like the weather, where unbearable humidity signals an approaching shower, where rain is uneluctable. the air overbearing with water vapour that needs release. it can bring an episode of light dizzle. harmless and almost unnoticable. or a roaring thunderstorm that threatens to hurt anything that comes in its way. but there's one thing for sure. the fresh dewy air left behind by the rain. that all is clear. the sun is soon out. if you're lucky you might even catch a rainbow. you know it's always better after the rain. it makes my world blurry but i know it helps to wash away the unwanted, remains of the day you know that what ensues after the momentary sense of disorientation is clarity and a renewed sense of settledness so it's ok to let out a good old cry.... amaranthine froze in time on 12:01 AM Sunday, April 16, 2006 finding what you love work and love alike don't settle i try. to not be like many others out there who do. when people work to afford that car, when people marry to not be lonely. and truth is it's a struggle to hold on to that ideal. my idealism is slowly eroded by the onslaught of the practicalities of life. i tell myself that's life. but at the same time, i'll like to tell myself, i deserve the best. so if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. amaranthine froze in time on 9:04 PM Friday, April 07, 2006 matter of numbers "she's 2 days old." man. and i'm like 8575 days old! (yes the work of boredom) but i'm just a quarter through life. considering that i live longer than 80. if i'm a tiger, it'll be about time i die. if i'm a camel, i'll be half way through my life span. if i'm a turtle, i'll... hmm no i don't want to walk my 100 + years of life away. if i'm a bee, well 2 days old will make me old. please ignore this post if age is a sensitive issue to you. conclusion... it's all about how you feel. amaranthine froze in time on 4:58 PM Tuesday, April 04, 2006 writing my chapter you write your own book you decide whether how the story ends you decide how the story develops my book has began with many pages unwritten but not left unwritten just that i'm not there yet not quite the author to have everything planned but quite the one to have a goal i know the journey may not be sweet but the end will be something to savour on that's me. writing the chapters of my life. and for the record, i'm struggling right now. the early chapters aren't always the easiest i'm only quarter way through. but i'm learning the ropes. so it will only get better. with mistakes along the way nonetheless. that's life. amaranthine froze in time on 12:25 AM Tuesday, March 21, 2006 someone else's on the boat yes it's time to move on, on my boat. no more waiting to see if you will near coz you have someone now it's ok. it's meant to be. it's for the better. you save me from cheating by stopping my thoughts of jumping onto your boat for a little while. i'm loving mine more. thinking that this might be my boat for a long while. i saw it coming. this end. or rather, this start of all things good. it will be. may we both find true love... that lasts. amaranthine froze in time on 2:52 PM Tuesday, February 28, 2006 times when money does make my world goes round... it aren't funny when i have to check my bank account before deciding whether to buy a pair of shoes. geesh, does that make me poor? *gasp* i've always lived it good. not particularly rich. i know the pains of money but i'm in no lack of it. until i started working. what an irony. stepping out to work. isn't that the milestone to becoming financially independent woman? when i spend my own money, when my parents are not given the right to nag. when i can finally afford to buy the things i want. clearly not in my case. the world out there is nothing like the world that i construe. my ideals are way off mark. i thought... that i'll be happy as long as i can find a job that i am passionate about. doing what i like and do best. simple. money? nah it doesn't matter. what kind of life is that to work your ass off to earn that kind of money? the money you get from doing something u don't enjoy is akin to ill-earned money. my view then. but... i realised that i will be happier if i earn more from than enjoy more of my job. having more clothes is better than getting more praise. yes i can enjoy my work tremedously but the high doesn't quite last when you realise that food can only comes from non-conditioned place or at places where you bring your food to your own table. not that i'm arguing for the lasting effects of retail therapy, it's more than that. it's about living a life at your level of comfort. it could mean going on a short trip to unwind instead of trying to image i'm somewhere. it could mean buying books that i will want to keep instead of trying to etch the quotables into my memory. and of course, if a car comes along, i'll be working my ass off too. money. it used to be a dirty word in my dictionary. but now, i've come to accept it among the ranks of love, passion and freedom. yes, money doesn't rule my world. but it changes my world. amaranthine froze in time on 11:03 AM Wednesday, February 15, 2006 valentine day: no arrows my way i said "let's not do the commercial thing of celebrating valentine with dinner and flowers which share the same sin of being over-priced. a simple dinner at home will do" true. i do not think carrying a big bouquent of roses and walking the streets romantic. yes i'm not that floral proud. and i certainly think that spending the night with many other couples eating the same mass produced food is not romantic. ok, if you want to, i'm fine, only if you can afford that extravagance. and you can't now. so it's just a home-cooked dinner at home, courtesy of me. just chilling at home with wine and enjoying each other's company. or so i thought. it helps if you can stop telling me what to do in the kitchen. fyi, i'm in charge that night. so now the dinner is screwed. we sat there in silence looking at the chicken spin in the microwave. it helps if you can at least do something to indicate it's valentine's day. a surprise peck or hug. doing something different. well, what i said "everyday can be valentine's day" i do veer towards meaning that everyday can be as romantic as valentine's day. apparently you see it that to mean valentine's day can be like everyday. it's ok. still love you. *sign* amaranthine froze in time on 11:56 AM Tuesday, February 14, 2006 you don't know your limitations until you exceed them don't walk when you can run don't eat when you can savour don't share when you can give don't hestitate when you can just do it life's all about exceeding your limitations, and expectations it's all about living beyond present possibilities it's all about creating your future possibilities what's holding you back is just you. amaranthine froze in time on 10:55 AM Monday, February 13, 2006 keys to his heart i was given the keys to his apartment. a little gesture but it meant so much. it is the key to the next level of our relationship. i held on the keys slightly bemused. i stepped into the house feeling different. like i have a part in it. though all that changes is that i do not ever need to ring the doorbell. i'm excited at my status as a co-keyholder. nothing as big as getting married or getting a place of my/our own. the keys do not just give me a sense of ownership to his place. they give me ownership to his heart and soul. they give me access into his world. the feeling is reminiscent of me getting my driving license me getting my first salary me getting my first splurge on my own me getting my first kiss me getting my first *** things that make me feel that i've moved on further in life. amaranthine froze in time on 5:27 PM Thursday, February 09, 2006 a wild wild world there is no one place or state to be that is unencumbered by the tentacles of politics. the power struggle, back-stabbing, fakery. exactly the things that i want to steer clear of. not because i believe that i do not want to be tainted, but rather, i am afraid that i will be afflicted by the intricacy of work life. i will be squashed, stepped, torn, chopped, liquidified whatever. but now, i want to be abused, belittled, bitched on. of coz, these have to come along with the perks of work. i want an environment where i am challenged. i'll rather be fighting a battle than be fighting boredom. you know how much effortful it is to appear busy than to be busy? i want to be able to look back 10 years from now, giving myself a pat, for being a survivor amidst inhumanity, yet still retaining my soul; for being an influence above many brillant minds, yet not losing my head from being high up there. i said i didnt want to climb the corporate ladder. still holds. but i do want to climb the ladder of success. social and personal ladder. never one who sets goals or have ambitions. all i have is tomorrow and dreams. i live for today and tomorrow. but i've changed. i care about what will happen after tomorrow. time to me isn't precious when i'm young and studying. i waste time like how paris hilton waste money. i slack the way she parties. but she had her time of in-abundance. like how i had mine. when i can't spend money like i used to. when i no longer have my naps. when i can't walk the mall when others slougde away. for the first time, i felt the pinch. i felt the need to set some budget. need to save. i'm starting to feel the empowerful of having something in the bank. yeah, late bloomer. yeah i'm a different person. for the better i hope. i aim to be the best that i can. amaranthine froze in time on 12:27 PM Sunday, January 29, 2006 somebody i can't be I want somebody to share Share the rest of my life Share my innermost thoughts Know my intimate details Someone who’ll stand by my side And give me support And in return She’ll get my support She will listen to me When I want to speak About the world we live in And life in general Though my views may be wrong They may even be perverted She’ll hear me out And won’t easily be converted To my way of thinking In fact she’ll often disagree But at the end of it all She will understand me Aaaahhhhh.... I want somebody who cares For me passionately With every thought and With every breath Someone who’ll help me see things In a different light All the things I detest I will almost like I don’t want to be tied To anyone’s strings I’m carefully trying to steer clear of Those things But when I’m asleep I want somebody Who will put their arms around me And kiss me tenderly Though things like this Make me sick In a case like this I’ll get away with it Somebody by Depeche Mode it hurts to know that i cant be your somebody that i know one day i will leave you and be someone else's somebody it hurts to know how much you have fell for me for it shows the capacity of the hurt i can inflict on you my tears now is for the hurt i know i will give you an inevitable end despite me trying right now i can't pretend i'm not a pretender, i'm a idealist but my bubble has been burst i know we are living on dangerous ground me providing more only to know that it will end i know i will never forgive myself i know i will never forget you but i know the day i hurt you you will never forgive me you will make youself forget me i never want to lose you forever but i know you can never hold me forever amaranthine froze in time on 1:45 AM Thursday, January 26, 2006 pain resides pain comes in many different variations the pain of operation and wounds the pain of canes and injections the pain of lost and dejection i can withstand true pain comes to me when i find myself not able to answer you when you asked for my instinct on our relationship whether we will be married with kids i can't coz I know you will not want to hear it coz I know that you too know where it will be headed coz I know you are afraid too coz I know you just want the assurance from me coz I know that you know the pain already coz I know that you do not want history to repeat itself true pain comes to me when i find myself caught between what I want and what I can do i know what I want but I know I can't i can't choose to be with the man I want coz I have a man crazy in love with me coz you want a woman crazy about God like you coz I have sinned and still sinning coz you need a pure woman within coz I am everything that you will not want coz you are everything that isn't me true pain comes to me when i find myself knowing what I should do but can't do i know that I am wrong we are wrong together but I try so hard to make it right coz your life evolves around me coz you changed yourself for me coz you never make me feel less coz you love me with a capacity I'm incapable of true pain comes to me when i find myself liking what I should not and disliking what I should i always find ways to rebel but it is really taking its toil on me coz I spend my time being a taker not a giver coz taking takes more out of me than giving coz making love makes less sense than sex coz my heart doesn't flutter coz my desires isn't aroused coz my enjoyment is forbidden coz my happiness is followed by guilt coz I know I will never get that happiness coz I know that soon it will be all over, for both coz I know ultimately I will be the biggest loser amaranthine froze in time on 2:38 PM Monday, January 23, 2006 things are as good as i think them to be life's good to me nothing much has changed if they have i'll like to believe that they're for the better amaranthine froze in time on 1:38 PM

it does not take much effort to see past the mundane and notice the little details in life _______________ Bits about Me .......... i like to procastinate i am a fashion mag junkie i hate spiders i am drawn to aesthetics i have a toenail the size of a dot i am an owl i like bananas i hate favouritism i don't sing i can't do a split i bungee jumped i am drawn to colours i eat real slow but drink real fast i like tans; on me and on guys i wish i can really cook i have spatial intelligence i don't like attention i am a perfume polygamist i like to read and smell books i am a pessimistist i squander; money n time i can't count i am a serial worrier i am an old soul i like surprises make my day and drop me a line at adropinasea@gmail.com _______________ Wishlist: .......... 1. new job 2. michael kors chronograph watch 3. good spirits 4. spa pampering at aman resorts 5. time to read 6. good laugh 7. a canine companion 8. a black chandelier 9. 10.kisses and hugs _______________ Quote to ponder .......... every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around _______________ ARCHIVES 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 Picture Credits: Kurt Halsey